Turn, Turn, Turn

I am okay with death when I know it is coming. I am not okay when it slaps me in the face.

When I was young girl, I used to prepare for my parents' death. But somehow they kept on overcoming the roadblocks of life.

My first real experience with death was with my brother Bradley Jay. He was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I knew it was serious, but I thought he would beat it, I really did. Deciding to turn off the life support was the last thought on my mind. The hardest thing I ever had to tell my parents. But turning off the life support was still in a way a control over death; one where we could all be present and say our goodbyes.

Saying goodbye to Dad was long and painful. Watching as his body deteriorated from dementia and kidney failure was a heartbreaking experience. I don’t know what is worse; the way Dad went or the way Mom went. Answering the phone to my sister’s blood curdling screams that she can see mom on the floor through the window and screaming for me to come with the keys; praying for mom to be alive and opening the door to find her dead.

All I know is that God is with us. I’m glad the cop that arrived before I did didn’t have the equipment to break in. I’m glad that my keys allowed my sister and I to both go in together. I’m glad my mom didn’t suffer and we didn’t have to watch it. But no one got to say any last words to her and for that reason I am angry.

But as I write this, I am asking myself what I would have said that she didn’t already know. I am special because I had the most sweet, caring and strong mother that ever roamed the earth. I made it through because my mom encouraged me and shared her faith with me. And I told her anytime I talked to her that I loved her. And she told me how proud she was of me so I am not sure what she could have said to me that she hadn’t already.

What is hard for me with both of them now gone is that I no longer have that unconditional love that comes from parents like mine. And I feel incomplete. I know I have people who love me, but no one who has to love me and it is a really scary feeling. Knowing that there will be no going “home” is too much too soon.  

I knew that I would be young when they left me, but I still feel like it is unfair. For some reason God included me into this family, kind of late, but God included me. And even though I am not sure of the reason and I may never know while I am on this earth, I have to trust that my sister’s prayers for a baby sister were granted for a reason.

I have been listening to God thus far and I guess I just need to keep on listening. God, I don’t need an answer right now, but I do need my mom’s strength to finish up this semester. Mom, I miss you and I wish you didn’t have to leave us. I hope you are enjoying heaven, where everything is beautiful to you.